Thirty Days

At the end of last month, I was talking about dreams. It was rather ironic, actually.

You see, four years ago, in the middle of my senior year at college as a Creative Writing major, God asked me to put my writing--fiction writing--on the back burner. I knew He hadn't completely taken it away, but even the indefinite setting aside was painful.

I've tampered with writing a few short stories over the last few Christmas breaks, but always heard the whisper, "not yet."

When I found out I would not be taking any classes this fall, I wondered what on earth to do with my time. It did not take me long to think of National Novel Writing Month--where a bunch of crazy people sign up to write a novel in one month with the only prize being a congratulations. That would be my sister's definition, anyway. For me, it was a challenge and a goal and accountability and just the chance to write.

And the most important thing--God said "yes, now."

NaNoWriMo is completely customizable, but in general the goal is 50,000 words in one busy month of November. (On the 20th, when I should have been well over halfway to 50,000, I think I had just 15,000.) This past week and a half was crunch time, and thankfully my schedule cleared. As often as possible, I tucked myself away in a booth at some coffee shop and wrote like crazy. I am thankful that the twins I nanny decided to have nice long naps for the whole month! Although, at my other nanny family, I more often than not typed with a sleeping baby in my arms during Big Brother's nap, afraid that if I put Little Sister down, she would wake up again and then I would get no writing done at all.

I wrote over half of my words in the last 10 days, but I did it. My file stands at 51,071 words. I've sent it in and been declared a NaNo "winner" (everyone's a winner above 50,000 words :)).

For the past few years, I've lived through November and thought "someday."

My someday came, and I praise God for that.

Sometimes God gives dreams back, and in His impeccable timing, makes them come true.



I stayed up past midnight to begin writing right away on November 1st.
(Somehow, staying up until 2am writing a novel is much more fun
than staying up until 2am doing homework. Go figure.)
After decorating for Christmas most of the morning, I set out to finish
a few thousand words. It was official at 5:11pm today!



1) November 1st ~ Ready to get started!!
2) top left and bottom right=Coffee shop views
3) Formerly mentioned sleeping baby...
4) November 30th ~ Heading home, feeling accomplished and grateful



Dreams

"When dreams that are good

seem shoved aside, I must die."

 

When I first copied this over, I originally put "are shoved aside." Correction: seem shoved aside. I love that. We don't know the end of the story, but as for me, I serve the One who does know.

 

In thinking of dreams, I thought of Abraham, and how God gave Him a vision--a promise--of great blessing of family and land and ultimately a Savior. Abraham surely had dreamed of a son and probably even greatness, and God blew his mind away with His answer.

 

I thought of Sarah, whose pursuit of her dream caused unimaginable tension. Hannah's dream was a baby. Do you think Esther ever dreamed of saving her people? What do you think David's dreams were? Or Daniel's? Or Mary's? Or Peter's?

 

And what about the unnamed others--the little Israelite boy who dreamed over helping to conquer the Promised Land? Or the priest in Babylon who dreamed of returning to Jerusalem? Or the little girl who witnessed one or two of Jesus' miracles? God knew their dreams, too.

 

Do you have dreams? Sometimes it's scary to dream. Sometimes it seems foolish. Sometimes I don't know what to think--but God knows. He knows that the best place for my dreams is in His capable hands.

 

He also knows--and teaches us to know as well--that only as we hope in Him, rather than in the fulfillment of our dreams, will we be satisfied.

 

Sometimes our dreams come true...sometimes they don't. And so we must die to our dreams, say "Your will be done," and allow God to resurrect them as He chooses.

 

What are your dreams...what are you doing with them?

"When wants that are

borderline needs are left unmet,

I must die."

 

"Preaching the gospel to myself every day reminds me of God's astounding love for me and also of His infinite worthiness to be loved by me above all else. These reminders deliver a on-two punch to my innate self-absorption and leave me increasingly absorbed with Christ and with God's ultimate plan to gather together all heavenly and earthly things in Him."

 

--The Gospel Primer, p. 31

Secret Sins

"When wishing to keep

besetting sins secret,

I must die."

 

 

"The Cross also exposes me before the eyes of other people, informing them of the depth of my depravity. If I wanted others to think highly of me, I would conceal the fact that a shameful slaughter of the perfect Son of God was required that I might be saved. ...Indeed, the most humiliating gossip that could ever be whispered about me is blared from Golgotha's hill; and my self-righteous reputation is left in ruins in the wake of it revelations. With the worst facts about me thus exposed to the view of others, I find myself feeling that I truly have nothing left to hide."

 

--The Gospel Primer, p.34

 

 

 

The World Behind Me, the Cross Before Me...

More Worldliness quotes...

 

"Yes, resisting worldliness requires strenuous effort. It's an inside problem and hard heart-work will be needed to effectively cut it out. And it's a lifelong battle. We must resist its influence until our dying breath." (pg 33)

"Do you want the world to lose its appeal? Then crowd out worldliness by filling your affections with the cross of Christ. Crucify the world as a dead and undesirable thing by meditating on the love of the Savior. Resist the bait of the world by gazing at the wondrous cross. For it is 'the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ,' wrote Paul, 'by which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world' (Gal. 6:14)." (pg 34)

Worldliness

"When enticed by allurements

of the world, I must die."

 

Sometimes I joke about my mud hut in Africa. I'm in a missions major with no plan or vision for what God will do with it--it could be stateside, or maybe end up not directly be related to missions at all. And it's not as if I don't get caught up in "of course I need that" and yes, I frequent not-so-cheap coffee shops (mostly on gift cards and rarely out of pocket, I might add :) ). When I'm tempted to buy and get and gain, I remind myself to think of "my little mud hut." Will it be needed there? Will it matter there? Not that I should necessarily live as if I live in a mud hut in Africa right now--I live in a typical American suburban home, and that's okay. This is where God has put me for now. The danger in "getting and gaining" is doing so apart from Christ.

 

"There may be nothing wrong with these desires in and of themselves; but when they dominate the landscape of our lives--when we must have them or else!--we've succumbed to idolatry and worldliness."* (pg. 30)

  

Allurements of the world go beyond just physical stuff, however.

 

The world entices to pursue your own path, to do it your way. To live for the moment. To live for self.

 

All of these are vast opportunities to die to self--and die we must, or disobey a direct command from God.

 

"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him."

{1 John 2:15}

 

"We've let down our guard against worldliness. And as a love for the things of this world has infiltrated the church, it has watered down and weakened our witness. It threatens to silence our clarion call for repentance and faith in the Savior."* (pg. 22)

 

*Quotes from Worldliness: Resisting the Seduction of a Fallen World edited by C.J. Mahaney

 

http://www.amazon.com/Worldliness-ebook/dp/B002SVQCYC/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1381286289&sr=1-1&keywords=worldliness

 

Summer Recap

My summer began on May 11, the day after my two classes ended. The next 113 days were quite the adventure!

 

the garden that definitely was not a success
but not quite a failure either...there's always next year :)

 Church group studying Bonhoeffer's Life Together.

 

Church young adult group annual campout. Yes, tenting. :)

 

Participating in a second round of American Sign Language classes at church taught by our deaf members and interpreters.

 

Teaching 1st grade VBS.

 

 

Hosting a 6-week study through several chapters of Mary Kassian's Girls Gone Wise.

 

Jr. camp.

 

 

Surprise birthday parties.

 

 

Volleyball. Mini golf.  Friends. Family.

 

Iced coffee.

 

An action game (i.e. no words necessary) with a group of Brazilian Christians passing through.

 

I've "unofficially-officially" said goodbye to my job of 8 years.

 

Saying goodbye to a friend moving to teach overseas for a year.

 

A friend got married.

 

A couple of friends had babies. (Actually, one was not just a friend--the baby is my future nanny-child. My little guy is now a big brother!)

 

Nannying. (Walks, going to the park, playing with chalk and bubbles, water play…)

playing with bubbles :)

 

Reading. Lots of reading.

 

My summer has been full. There were a lot of "My grace is sufficient for you" moments.  I saw many praises and prayed many prayers. It was not an easy summer, or even a particularly relaxing one on the whole...but it was good. I am grateful.

 

And yet, with the temperatures spiking this past week and next, and all the pumpkin recipes appearing on Pinterest (and I'm actually getting tired of making iced coffee and am ready for the hot stuff again)--I say bring on the fall. :)

 

 

Tangled Ashes {book review}

Tangled Ashes by Michele Phoenix

Conservative and a little leery of modern fiction, I hesitated for most of the summer to pick from Tyndale's fiction list. I have been pleasantly surprised! At first I was unconcerned with--and leery of--the book's hero, Beck, who is a somewhat  reluctant recovering alcoholic. It was the story's subplot, beginning in the prelude and continued through flashbacks that kept me in the story at first. What does a WWII abandoned baby and a modern-day reconstruction of an ancient castle have in common?

 

The fact that it was not romantic love but rather friendship and, I trust the less obvious thread of God's love and salvation to play a factor as well, and the hope issuing from both, that conquerors in the end. I'm all for a morally good love story with at least a hint of reality: but reality does not usually see a man taking a 90-day job assignment in Paris, falling in love, and putting his life back in order. In 90 days. And neither does Beck...or the little WWII baby...but the hope lingers that this was only the beginning.

 

While not all the books by a single author are created equal, I do look forward to reading more from Michele Phoenix and seeing what she has to offer!

{Written for inclusion in Tyndale's Summer Reading program!}
 

24/6 {book review}

24/6 by Matthew Sleeth, MD

 

 

Sleeth's book is good food for thought, but not much more in my opinion. It's subtitle, A prescription for a healthier, happier life, should have been a clue that it was not going to be up my alley. He does include historical and biblical significance for the Sabbath, which is worth the read. He begins each chapter with a medical illustration--something I suppose I should have expected from someone bearing the initials "M.D." at the end of his name, yet as someone not medically-inclined in any way, shape, or form, I did not appreciate them. The book neither convicted me of any lack of personally keeping the Sabbath nor convinced me of his application of it, either. 

There is legitimacy to the claim that not being on the go (especially career-related) 24/7 can lead to a healthier life. Also that the idea that taking time to enjoy relationships and perhaps a hobby or two brings happiness. Sleeth certainly did not side-step the spiritual aspect. And yet, not so large a mention as to merit placement in the subtitle. And what really is the Sabbath without the One who is Lord over it?

{Written for inclusion in Tyndale's Summer Reading program!}
 

The Dying of Self

 

 

 

"Let us remember that when we talk of the rending of the veil [i.e. Self] we are speaking in a figure, and the thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant, but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the cross would do to every man to set him free."

 

{Tozer, from

The Pursuit of God}

 

 

He who Judges Justly

 

 

For to this you have been called,

because Christ also suffered for you,

leaving you an example,

so that you might follow in His steps. 
He committed no sin,

neither was deceit found in His mouth. 
When He was reviled,

He did not revile in return;

when He suffered, He did not threaten,

but continued entrusting Himself

to Him who

judges justly. 

 

{I Peter 2:21-23}

Leaning on God's Mercy

"When wanting to

cling to wrongs done against me,

I must die."

 

God is a God of justice. Sin is and will be punished. One day every person will stand before an almighty, holy God and give account of himself.

In the meantime, the world is rarely fair--quite honestly, justice is not always served on earth. However, we need to remember that

"no creature is hidden from His sight,

but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of Him

to whom we must give account"

{Hebrews 4:13}

and also

"for this light momentary affliction is

preparing for us an eternal weight of glory

beyond all comparison."

{II Corinthians 4:17} 

God is sovereign and wise, and He is working all things for His glory and for our good (see Romans 8:28). 

Have you ever prayed for justice in a personal situation? Who would have benefitted most--you or the other person? It's come up a few times lately in my ladies' Sunday school class, how quickly we pray for mercy for ourselves but justice to others. 

It's hard to stand back and watch people seemingly getting away with wrong. It's hard to be in pain. But we must die to the fleshly reactions--anger, bitterness, resentment, unforgiveness--and rather put on Spirit-controlled reactions--forgiveness, submission to God's will, trust, love.

I have thought before "but if I let go, then they'll get away with it!" How foolish is that. As if I hated sin more than God does. And praise God He also has more mercy than I do!

Follow Me {book review}

FOLLOW ME: A call to die. A call to live.
By David Platt

 

Platt again makes a challenge to nominal Christian living (check out his book Radical). The whole of Christianity is not “asking Jesus into your heart”—but rather in following Christ. Believing the gospel is not the end, or merely the means to an end, or just an escape from hell. Believing the gospel is a start to a brand new life, one in which Jesus calls to fearful and stubborn hearts: “Follow me.” Not always a fan of modern Christian living books, David Platt has not failed to challenge my thinking yet.

Mainstream American Christianity must wake up and realize what is at stake. A lot of false conversions, because we’re soft on sin. A lot of wasted opportunities, because we’re too busy pursuing the “American dream.” A lack of life abundantly, because we’re too busy even with good things to truly fellowship with Jesus. A lot of baby Christians, because we’re too busy or fearful or selfish to invest in others in discipleship. Platt calls us to see the mission: Jesus transforms us, and even as He works in us, we invest in others. This cycle must be repeated until the trumpet calls!

{Written for inclusion in Tyndale's Summer Reading program!}

Two Wonders of the Cross

 

 

 

"Upon that cross of Jesus my eyes at times can see

The very dying form of One who suffered there for me;

And from my smitten heart with tears

Two wonders I confess

The wonders of

His glorious love,

and my unworthiness."

 

--Elizabeth Clephane--

(from the CD By Faith)

Hardships

On one hand, I hesitate to say I've been shattered by hardships. The hardships I've known are certainly not the worst life can hold.

But yes, I've known hardships.

I've seen plans and ideals and dreams shatter.

I've despised them.

But I'm learning not to--for whose daughter would I be if I did not experience such things? {See Hebrews 12:7-11}

As the Gospel Primer says later, "on the other side of each layer of dying lie experiences of a life with God that are far richer, far higher, and far more intimate than anything I would have otherwise known" (page 42).

Amen and amen to that. I would indeed rather have Jesus!

May I encourage you today to keep on?

For the moment all discipline

seems painful rather than pleasant,

but later it yields the peaceful fruit

of righteousness to those who have

been trained by it.

 

{Hebrews 12:11}

:My Treasure:

 

The cross of Christ, my treasure,
the blood of Christ, my plea,

His sacrifice for sinners, my hope eternally.

My life is hid in Jesus, my Lord, my God, my King!

The cross of Christ, my treasure;
the blood of Christ, my plea.

 

~Cheryl Reid~

from We Are Your Church

::The Invested Life:: {book review}

{by Joel C. Rosenburg and T.E. Koshy}

This book begins with an overview of discipleship, emphasizing that the Great Commission is not just preaching the Gospel to unbelievers but to make disciples. They include one chapter on being disciple (how can one know how to disciple unless following the example of one who invested in his own life?), but the rest of the book is about being a discipler. Who needs to be disciple? How does one go about discipling, anyway? What is the end objective?

In between the how-to chapters are personal testimonies, beginning with the American couple who discipled a young man named Bakht Singh, who eventually became known as India's greatest evangelist. Singh in turn discipled Koshy, who discipled Rosenburg, who is discipling others. The author's wives also share their testimonies. The discipling spiral shown in these testimonies is an inspiring addition to the book as a whole as well as providing good information

Rosenburg--and Koshy and their wives--make many good observations and share helpful advice. I love a statement by Lynn Rosenburg about how her mentors showed her to love God more than loving ministry and service. The advice that stood out to me involved showing hospitality and involving the family in ministry.

Did I agree with everything? No. For one thing, I would have appreciated a greater Gospel presence, especially at the beginning. Too many people think they're saved and want to do ministry, when they're not truly trusting Christ for salvation and serving Him in love through His power.

Overall, worth the read? Definitely.

{written for an entry in the Tyndale Summer Reading program}

Still LoLo {book review}

Lauren Scruggs endured a gruesome accident that involved a private 2-seat airplane propeller. Today she lives with a prosthethic eye and left arm. While not hard-core Gospel driven, the Scruggs family do a great job of giving all praise to our sovereign, good, and gracious God.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0088NXOAY/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=8-1&qid=1372556064

*Cons

• her world of fashion and independence are a world removed from mine, from my convictions and standards
• a lot of talk about dating and guys...although she point-blank says at the end that she does not find her identity in them anymore, but rather place her hope in Christ alone

*Pros

• seeing not just a life, but a family tested and come out at the other end praising God and trusting Him as their source of strength, hope, and grace
• Lauren's story of her second time in New York was a tale of rebellion and sin leading to more sin. She went, knowing perfectly well God was saying no, because she wanted to. She compromised in many areas that summer, but I appreciated her testimony of renewal, God's grace, and God's constant watch over and protection of His children, even when they are running away from Him

While I would have appreciated a clear presentation of the Gospel, I was otherwise pleasantly surprised by the story. Afterall, what connection would I find with a fashion journalist who lost her eye and arm?

But I had forgotten that God's grace is greater and more amazing than the specific circumstances and details!

::Written for the purpose of fulfilling requirements for the summer reading program through Tyndale!::

Intentionality

“When I wish to be selfish and serve no one, I must die.”

 

Story of my life.

I’m a phlegmatic—who tend to be nice but also lean way too often toward selfishness.

I’m a planner—not that every single day is planned out minutely, but when I do, that time is mine.

I’m also human—I have long days, bad days, and come home tired and just want to be by myself. Sometimes I’m sick. Sometimes I’m just in a bad mood.

But in each of those areas and situations, I must die. Life is not about Laura. Life is about Jesus Christ. I do not portray the glory of Christ when I wear a scowl or ignore the clean dishes in the dishwasher or don’t stop to ask family members about their day or a million other things that I do.

It is often easy to overlook and ignore the character flaws that occur in everyday mundane activities and situations. Responses and reactions happen quickly. It’s takes too much energy to deal with it. But I must die. Jesus will never look at me and say “congratulations for following your schedule!” but I do desire Him to say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

The question is…how much do I desire it? Enough to give the energy and attention to die to sin and self?

 

The Impact of the Cross

 

See from His head, His hands, His feet,

Sorrow and love flow mingled down!

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

 

 

His dying crimson, like a robe,

Spreads o’er His body on the tree;
Then I am dead to all the globe,

And all the globe is dead to me.

 

 

-When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

by Isaac Watts-

 

 

Excruciating...Yet Abundant

“When called to do something I don’t want to do, I must die.”

 

There’s a million different aspects to writing this post. In fact, this is about the fourth draft I’ve started. A lot of life right now can be summed up in “something I don’t want to do.” A few big things, a lot of little things…

It was not my idea, back in 2009, to put my writing on the back burner and focus on other things. Other things that, yes, I did want, but not at the expense of my writing.

It was not my idea to have a multiple-years-long trial. Or two.

It was not my idea, as much as I love the kids in my Sunday night class, to lead and plan this ministry for the past year.

My biggest physical identity right now is grad school. Grad school was not my first post-undergraduate plan. Especially online through Northland. It was not my idea to stay home and work the same job I’d had since 2005 rather than move to Greenville for two years, be a graduate assistant, and work in a church plant pastored by one of my favorite BJU teachers. It was not my idea to find out that in terms of years I’m probably only half done with my program, when this would have been graduation year if I had gone to BJU (as it was for several of my friends!).

Crucifixion, as Vincent says, is excruciating.

First year grad school certainly was—although that year was more about rebellion than it was about death.

Letting go of my writing ideals was a “gasping and bloody affair.”

Learning through these ongoing trials is “heart-wrenching brutality.”

Letting go of my ideals for Truth Trackers is certainly not “easy.”

Something that God constantly has been reminding me lately is that my time is not my own.

God has the right to determine that I will attend grad school, and that it will take longer than I think necessary. God has the right to take away my writing. God has the right to determine how He will grow and sanctify me and those around me. God has the right to lead my former Truth Tracker leaders into another ministry and leave it to me, rather than finding someone to step into their shoes so I can keep wearing the ones I had been. God has the right to do with my life what He sees fit.

Therefore, I must die when His plans are different than mine.

I rebelled badly when God changed the plan from 2 years in Greenville to online school for an indefinite period of time. I didn’t want to do grad school in the first place, so God could have at least done it the way that seemed more exciting or beneficial or logical, right? I went through all the right motions—applying, registering for classes, fulfilling assignments. I knew I was struggling…but it wasn’t until much later that I realized how much I wasn’t just struggling, but rebelling. I was refusing to die to my plans and dreams, as though I knew better than God and God had made a mistake.

I honestly don’t look back at 2011 with fond memories. Oh sure, I bought my car. Rachel and I took a road trip to Greenville. I counseled at both teen camp and junior camp. Those were amazing, precious gifts from God. But I turned around and spurned the grace God was pouring into my life by basically saying “thanks, but what about these areas over here? You forgot about that one.”

As if I deserved my wonderful car, a great trip back to my beloved alma matter with my sister, and getting to do ministry within my church body. Last I checked, God owes me nothing. In fact, I am the one that sent Jesus to the cross. What I deserve is God’s wrath and separation from Him. He didn’t have to save me, but in His grace and mercy, He did.

I owe Him everything. How can I not accept a change a plans, a different timing, hardships, letting go of my ideals? Yes, as humans, life is a big deal. I’m not saying these things shouldn’t hurt. After all, crucifixion is excruciating. What I am saying is that I didn’t have to rebel.

Tears aren’t rebelling. Crying out to God is not rebelling.

A cold heart is rebelling. Clasping fingers tightly is rebelling. The hearts and the fingers we must surrender.

Looking back at 2012 reveals definite steps in the right direction, though not always perfectly on course.

And 2013? It’s been sweet. Excruciating still, yes. But surrender brings sweet peace and joy in the midst of that. I’ve been on both sides, so I know—although I’m sure I’ll look back later and see that I wasn’t finished yet even now. But praise God that “on the other side of each layer of dying lie experiences of a life with God that are far richer, far higher, and far more intimate than anything I would have otherwise known” (Gospel Primer, 42).

And would I rather stay in the dark and gloomy confines of rebellion, or would I rather endure the heart-wrenching bloodiness of abundant life?

“He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin
and live to righteousness.”
{I Peter 2:24}

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
I came that they may have life
and have it abundantly.”
{John 10:10}

 

 

::Satisfied::

:This was originally written several months ago, then I hesitated publishing it. I scheduled it for a "far-off" date with the intent to decide later. Having forgotten to decide, I guess God decided for me. :) So no, I'm not still on break. In fact, I have 9 days, with various minor assignments, 2 papers, and one final, left. And Lord willing, I'll be back into the blogging scene more, but until then, here is a snippet of my life:

One day, I nanny. The next day, restaurant work. The next three days are full of nannying, then Saturday with who-knows-what, and Sunday with church activities. I'm loving this life of variance; I love what I do everyday.  I love the 8-but-now-4 1/2 week break I'm getting from papers and deadlines.

I've loved the 10 plus a few other skimmed books I've read. The room I decorated and organized. A few movies I've watched. A craft project here and there. The Bible study I've been able to attend.

But sometimes I wake up and the day looks long before me. Or in the evenings I look back and think how slowly the hours went.

Even in contentment I think there can be longing. Praying for a change does not always indicate a heart of resentment or rebellion or ungratefulness. Sometimes, yes. But not always.

Sometimes, yes, a heart of contentment rests in the sovereignty of God, knowing that He will put all to rights one day.Sometimes contentment rejoices in Today yet prays for a "better half." Sometimes contentment clings to God in the pain and prays for God to do a work.

Sometimes.

Sometimes contentment gets buried. Sometimes instead of being immersed in giggles with toddlers and laughter with friends of nearly eight years and smile with frequent quests, eyes shift and wish for Tomorrow. Sometimes of being grateful for a family to serve, hands want to hide until the after-dinner dishes have disappeared. Sometimes instead of seeing everyone else get what they wanted, a heart wishes it would happen to it, too.

Because sometimes, life becomes all about me, instead of all about Him.

And sometimes I am reminded...rebuked...

God is my All. My life. My breath. My salvation. My love. My peace and joy and strength and...

When I see problems and interuptions and work and emptiness, God sees opportunities. His goal and my purpose is to become like Christ. Sometimes this truly is my greatest passion.

It's what I do with the longings and how I seek to satisfy them that draw the line between contentment and selfish, ungodly attitudes. We were all created to be creatures of longing. "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God." {Psalm 42:1}

Sometimes I long for bad things. Sometimes I long for good things with wrong motives or attention.

Sometimes I long for good things in a good way, and God seeks to fulfill these in His own way--mostly with Himself. Because He is truly what we all long for, anyway.

I may dream of the end of school. I may dream of a mission field somewhere. I may dream of a home of my own with a husband and a bunch of kids running around. None of those are bad dreams (except maybe the school one. As I'm sure you're aware, my motives regarding school are rarely pure), but I must constantly ask myself who--or what--is on the throne of my heart. Because if God is not on the throne, then the end of school won't matter. Spending a lifetime of ministry on a mission field won't matter. And yes, having a home filled with a husband and children won't matter. 

There will always be something else--a more exciting ministry, a warmer or colder mission field. A nicer house and a more involved husband or more children or just the same children only more well-behaved.

When God is on the throne however, instead of our dreams, we can dream safely and contentedly. We know that God will answer in His timing with His perfect ways.

Cultivating contentment now will reap contentment later, so that I can receive my diploma without a "good riddance" attitude, without looking back and wishing I'd handled it differently. The ministry will be fully God's without me wishing more or less. I will thrive in whatever climate God gives. I will rejoice in the family God gives me--because it was hand-picked by Him.

Basking in contentment now does not mean forsaking the dreams or killing the longing. But contentment knows where to take them...

And it's not just sometimes that I find myself satisfied.

::The Prohibited Thing::

A few weeks ago I was working on this post, and I was amazed at how much the cross and death kept coming up. I listened to a couple audio books in the car by A.W. Tozer, and both had chapters about taking up our crosses and dying to self. Evidently it wasn't just me who decided to do some cross-focusing...perhaps it was God's idea in the first place!

Easter is coming up. I didn't plan this series around Easter but it certainly fits. Easter, after all, happened because of the cross! Jesus died--but we serve a risen Savior because of Easter morning.

I actually planned this series because a week ago Monday I began classes again. Christmas break plus a half-semester of no classes has made for a nice 13-week break. Really nice. Watching movies, reading books (I haven't made an official count yet--but many, many books!), hanging out with friends, attending a Bible study with plenty of time to do the study/homework part, trying not to sleep in but not having to worry if I do...much of that went away last week.

For me, grad school is a dying to self. My time, my schedule, my priorities, my activities (and yes, my blog writing), all have to shift in order to hit the books. I never asked for grad school...but God obviously knew I needed a lot of sanctification and this happens to be a good stage for it.

"When my flesh

yearns for some

prohibited thing,

I must die."

{The Gospel Primer, 41}

Prohibited perhaps by conviction, perhaps because it's a sin. In my case,
*calling my time my own is prohibited
*being done with grad school is prohibited (not for always :)
*being undisciplined in eating or wasting time are prohibited

Sometimes it's hard to see the black-and-white in all of those but we must agree with what God says about them in order to die. Our attempt to die will be half-hearted at best unless we see it as God sees it.

No one actually has the right to call their time their own. God is our sovereign Lord who has the right and ability to change our plans whenever He desires...and His ways are always better than mine.

So every time I...
*have to say no to a fun weekend activity, I must die
*desire to spend just five more minutes on facebook or pinterest, I must die
*want to claim I have too much homework to stop and do those dishes, I must die

Death in any form is no fun. It's not easy. It's not pleasant. Vincent goes on to say that each of us must "embrace the cross" our own deaths. However God is calling me to die today, I must seize the opportunity.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

{Philippians 3:8-11}

Crucified with Christ

Death is not a pretty subject. It's one we tend to stay away from.

Death of self. Death to self.

Every Christian is called to it, but it is not a well-versed subject these days.
 

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?

{Luke 9:23-25}

 

I don't believe it is a secret to this audience that one of my favorite books is The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent.

Two sister sections that get me every time I read them are All Things Crucified, Parts 1 and 2.

The cross--Jesus' death on the cross--is the central focus of the Gospel story. Why should we expect anything different in our own life stories? Vincent points out from Galatians 2:20 that we, too, have been crucified--that is, our flesh with its worldly desires.

 

In one  of these sections, Vincent creates a vivid picture of the war that we must wage everyday. It is these powerful statement that I will, Lord willing, be writing about over the next few weeks.

"When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die."

But remember, on the other side of death is life and fruit:

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

{John 12:24}

 

 

 

::Embracing the Cross::

"The Gospel is not simply the story of 'Christ, and Him crucified'; it is also the story of my own crucifixion. {Galatians 2:20}

 

Crucifixion hurts. In fact, its heart-wrenching brutality can numb the senses. It is a gasping and bloody affair, and there is nothing nice, pretty, or easy about it. It is not merely death, but excruciating death.

 

Preaching [Christ's] story to myself each day puts me in a frame of mind to trust God and embrace the cross of my own dying also."

 

 

 

{The Gospel Primer, 39-41}

 

 

We Interrupt This Silence...

...to announce more silence. :)

I am in the middle of my 8-week school break and I'm loving it. Of course.

I've read nearly a dozen books; cleaned, decorated and organized the room I received after my brother got married over Christmas break; worked (and am working) on several art projects; am enjoying the accountability of a Bible-memorizing group of girls; started a new group Bible study; attempting to read through the ESV study Bible (all 2500+pages of it); baked an unearthly amount of baked goods, I who never bake; enjoyed a few walks with my kiddos on unseasonably nice days; saw both my plecostomuses (what's the plural of that??) die but hopefully fixed my tank problem; and Lord willing, starting to get back into a good routine--which starts with unqualified time with God. Our pastor made a comment a few weeks ago that burned into my memory: "It's not so much a matter of discpline as it is of passion." I am praying for increased passion!

And in the meantime, I'm taking a bloggy break, to keep enjoying to the utmost the aforementioned activities. :)

first addition to my new room!