Excruciating...Yet Abundant

“When called to do something I don’t want to do, I must die.”

 

There’s a million different aspects to writing this post. In fact, this is about the fourth draft I’ve started. A lot of life right now can be summed up in “something I don’t want to do.” A few big things, a lot of little things…

It was not my idea, back in 2009, to put my writing on the back burner and focus on other things. Other things that, yes, I did want, but not at the expense of my writing.

It was not my idea to have a multiple-years-long trial. Or two.

It was not my idea, as much as I love the kids in my Sunday night class, to lead and plan this ministry for the past year.

My biggest physical identity right now is grad school. Grad school was not my first post-undergraduate plan. Especially online through Northland. It was not my idea to stay home and work the same job I’d had since 2005 rather than move to Greenville for two years, be a graduate assistant, and work in a church plant pastored by one of my favorite BJU teachers. It was not my idea to find out that in terms of years I’m probably only half done with my program, when this would have been graduation year if I had gone to BJU (as it was for several of my friends!).

Crucifixion, as Vincent says, is excruciating.

First year grad school certainly was—although that year was more about rebellion than it was about death.

Letting go of my writing ideals was a “gasping and bloody affair.”

Learning through these ongoing trials is “heart-wrenching brutality.”

Letting go of my ideals for Truth Trackers is certainly not “easy.”

Something that God constantly has been reminding me lately is that my time is not my own.

God has the right to determine that I will attend grad school, and that it will take longer than I think necessary. God has the right to take away my writing. God has the right to determine how He will grow and sanctify me and those around me. God has the right to lead my former Truth Tracker leaders into another ministry and leave it to me, rather than finding someone to step into their shoes so I can keep wearing the ones I had been. God has the right to do with my life what He sees fit.

Therefore, I must die when His plans are different than mine.

I rebelled badly when God changed the plan from 2 years in Greenville to online school for an indefinite period of time. I didn’t want to do grad school in the first place, so God could have at least done it the way that seemed more exciting or beneficial or logical, right? I went through all the right motions—applying, registering for classes, fulfilling assignments. I knew I was struggling…but it wasn’t until much later that I realized how much I wasn’t just struggling, but rebelling. I was refusing to die to my plans and dreams, as though I knew better than God and God had made a mistake.

I honestly don’t look back at 2011 with fond memories. Oh sure, I bought my car. Rachel and I took a road trip to Greenville. I counseled at both teen camp and junior camp. Those were amazing, precious gifts from God. But I turned around and spurned the grace God was pouring into my life by basically saying “thanks, but what about these areas over here? You forgot about that one.”

As if I deserved my wonderful car, a great trip back to my beloved alma matter with my sister, and getting to do ministry within my church body. Last I checked, God owes me nothing. In fact, I am the one that sent Jesus to the cross. What I deserve is God’s wrath and separation from Him. He didn’t have to save me, but in His grace and mercy, He did.

I owe Him everything. How can I not accept a change a plans, a different timing, hardships, letting go of my ideals? Yes, as humans, life is a big deal. I’m not saying these things shouldn’t hurt. After all, crucifixion is excruciating. What I am saying is that I didn’t have to rebel.

Tears aren’t rebelling. Crying out to God is not rebelling.

A cold heart is rebelling. Clasping fingers tightly is rebelling. The hearts and the fingers we must surrender.

Looking back at 2012 reveals definite steps in the right direction, though not always perfectly on course.

And 2013? It’s been sweet. Excruciating still, yes. But surrender brings sweet peace and joy in the midst of that. I’ve been on both sides, so I know—although I’m sure I’ll look back later and see that I wasn’t finished yet even now. But praise God that “on the other side of each layer of dying lie experiences of a life with God that are far richer, far higher, and far more intimate than anything I would have otherwise known” (Gospel Primer, 42).

And would I rather stay in the dark and gloomy confines of rebellion, or would I rather endure the heart-wrenching bloodiness of abundant life?

“He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin
and live to righteousness.”
{I Peter 2:24}

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
I came that they may have life
and have it abundantly.”
{John 10:10}