::Satisfied::

:This was originally written several months ago, then I hesitated publishing it. I scheduled it for a "far-off" date with the intent to decide later. Having forgotten to decide, I guess God decided for me. :) So no, I'm not still on break. In fact, I have 9 days, with various minor assignments, 2 papers, and one final, left. And Lord willing, I'll be back into the blogging scene more, but until then, here is a snippet of my life:

One day, I nanny. The next day, restaurant work. The next three days are full of nannying, then Saturday with who-knows-what, and Sunday with church activities. I'm loving this life of variance; I love what I do everyday.  I love the 8-but-now-4 1/2 week break I'm getting from papers and deadlines.

I've loved the 10 plus a few other skimmed books I've read. The room I decorated and organized. A few movies I've watched. A craft project here and there. The Bible study I've been able to attend.

But sometimes I wake up and the day looks long before me. Or in the evenings I look back and think how slowly the hours went.

Even in contentment I think there can be longing. Praying for a change does not always indicate a heart of resentment or rebellion or ungratefulness. Sometimes, yes. But not always.

Sometimes, yes, a heart of contentment rests in the sovereignty of God, knowing that He will put all to rights one day.Sometimes contentment rejoices in Today yet prays for a "better half." Sometimes contentment clings to God in the pain and prays for God to do a work.

Sometimes.

Sometimes contentment gets buried. Sometimes instead of being immersed in giggles with toddlers and laughter with friends of nearly eight years and smile with frequent quests, eyes shift and wish for Tomorrow. Sometimes of being grateful for a family to serve, hands want to hide until the after-dinner dishes have disappeared. Sometimes instead of seeing everyone else get what they wanted, a heart wishes it would happen to it, too.

Because sometimes, life becomes all about me, instead of all about Him.

And sometimes I am reminded...rebuked...

God is my All. My life. My breath. My salvation. My love. My peace and joy and strength and...

When I see problems and interuptions and work and emptiness, God sees opportunities. His goal and my purpose is to become like Christ. Sometimes this truly is my greatest passion.

It's what I do with the longings and how I seek to satisfy them that draw the line between contentment and selfish, ungodly attitudes. We were all created to be creatures of longing. "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God." {Psalm 42:1}

Sometimes I long for bad things. Sometimes I long for good things with wrong motives or attention.

Sometimes I long for good things in a good way, and God seeks to fulfill these in His own way--mostly with Himself. Because He is truly what we all long for, anyway.

I may dream of the end of school. I may dream of a mission field somewhere. I may dream of a home of my own with a husband and a bunch of kids running around. None of those are bad dreams (except maybe the school one. As I'm sure you're aware, my motives regarding school are rarely pure), but I must constantly ask myself who--or what--is on the throne of my heart. Because if God is not on the throne, then the end of school won't matter. Spending a lifetime of ministry on a mission field won't matter. And yes, having a home filled with a husband and children won't matter. 

There will always be something else--a more exciting ministry, a warmer or colder mission field. A nicer house and a more involved husband or more children or just the same children only more well-behaved.

When God is on the throne however, instead of our dreams, we can dream safely and contentedly. We know that God will answer in His timing with His perfect ways.

Cultivating contentment now will reap contentment later, so that I can receive my diploma without a "good riddance" attitude, without looking back and wishing I'd handled it differently. The ministry will be fully God's without me wishing more or less. I will thrive in whatever climate God gives. I will rejoice in the family God gives me--because it was hand-picked by Him.

Basking in contentment now does not mean forsaking the dreams or killing the longing. But contentment knows where to take them...

And it's not just sometimes that I find myself satisfied.