The Impact of the Cross

 

See from His head, His hands, His feet,

Sorrow and love flow mingled down!

Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,

Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

 

 

His dying crimson, like a robe,

Spreads o’er His body on the tree;
Then I am dead to all the globe,

And all the globe is dead to me.

 

 

-When I Survey the Wondrous Cross

by Isaac Watts-

 

 

Excruciating...Yet Abundant

“When called to do something I don’t want to do, I must die.”

 

There’s a million different aspects to writing this post. In fact, this is about the fourth draft I’ve started. A lot of life right now can be summed up in “something I don’t want to do.” A few big things, a lot of little things…

It was not my idea, back in 2009, to put my writing on the back burner and focus on other things. Other things that, yes, I did want, but not at the expense of my writing.

It was not my idea to have a multiple-years-long trial. Or two.

It was not my idea, as much as I love the kids in my Sunday night class, to lead and plan this ministry for the past year.

My biggest physical identity right now is grad school. Grad school was not my first post-undergraduate plan. Especially online through Northland. It was not my idea to stay home and work the same job I’d had since 2005 rather than move to Greenville for two years, be a graduate assistant, and work in a church plant pastored by one of my favorite BJU teachers. It was not my idea to find out that in terms of years I’m probably only half done with my program, when this would have been graduation year if I had gone to BJU (as it was for several of my friends!).

Crucifixion, as Vincent says, is excruciating.

First year grad school certainly was—although that year was more about rebellion than it was about death.

Letting go of my writing ideals was a “gasping and bloody affair.”

Learning through these ongoing trials is “heart-wrenching brutality.”

Letting go of my ideals for Truth Trackers is certainly not “easy.”

Something that God constantly has been reminding me lately is that my time is not my own.

God has the right to determine that I will attend grad school, and that it will take longer than I think necessary. God has the right to take away my writing. God has the right to determine how He will grow and sanctify me and those around me. God has the right to lead my former Truth Tracker leaders into another ministry and leave it to me, rather than finding someone to step into their shoes so I can keep wearing the ones I had been. God has the right to do with my life what He sees fit.

Therefore, I must die when His plans are different than mine.

I rebelled badly when God changed the plan from 2 years in Greenville to online school for an indefinite period of time. I didn’t want to do grad school in the first place, so God could have at least done it the way that seemed more exciting or beneficial or logical, right? I went through all the right motions—applying, registering for classes, fulfilling assignments. I knew I was struggling…but it wasn’t until much later that I realized how much I wasn’t just struggling, but rebelling. I was refusing to die to my plans and dreams, as though I knew better than God and God had made a mistake.

I honestly don’t look back at 2011 with fond memories. Oh sure, I bought my car. Rachel and I took a road trip to Greenville. I counseled at both teen camp and junior camp. Those were amazing, precious gifts from God. But I turned around and spurned the grace God was pouring into my life by basically saying “thanks, but what about these areas over here? You forgot about that one.”

As if I deserved my wonderful car, a great trip back to my beloved alma matter with my sister, and getting to do ministry within my church body. Last I checked, God owes me nothing. In fact, I am the one that sent Jesus to the cross. What I deserve is God’s wrath and separation from Him. He didn’t have to save me, but in His grace and mercy, He did.

I owe Him everything. How can I not accept a change a plans, a different timing, hardships, letting go of my ideals? Yes, as humans, life is a big deal. I’m not saying these things shouldn’t hurt. After all, crucifixion is excruciating. What I am saying is that I didn’t have to rebel.

Tears aren’t rebelling. Crying out to God is not rebelling.

A cold heart is rebelling. Clasping fingers tightly is rebelling. The hearts and the fingers we must surrender.

Looking back at 2012 reveals definite steps in the right direction, though not always perfectly on course.

And 2013? It’s been sweet. Excruciating still, yes. But surrender brings sweet peace and joy in the midst of that. I’ve been on both sides, so I know—although I’m sure I’ll look back later and see that I wasn’t finished yet even now. But praise God that “on the other side of each layer of dying lie experiences of a life with God that are far richer, far higher, and far more intimate than anything I would have otherwise known” (Gospel Primer, 42).

And would I rather stay in the dark and gloomy confines of rebellion, or would I rather endure the heart-wrenching bloodiness of abundant life?

“He Himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, that we might die to sin
and live to righteousness.”
{I Peter 2:24}

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.
I came that they may have life
and have it abundantly.”
{John 10:10}

 

 

::Satisfied::

:This was originally written several months ago, then I hesitated publishing it. I scheduled it for a "far-off" date with the intent to decide later. Having forgotten to decide, I guess God decided for me. :) So no, I'm not still on break. In fact, I have 9 days, with various minor assignments, 2 papers, and one final, left. And Lord willing, I'll be back into the blogging scene more, but until then, here is a snippet of my life:

One day, I nanny. The next day, restaurant work. The next three days are full of nannying, then Saturday with who-knows-what, and Sunday with church activities. I'm loving this life of variance; I love what I do everyday.  I love the 8-but-now-4 1/2 week break I'm getting from papers and deadlines.

I've loved the 10 plus a few other skimmed books I've read. The room I decorated and organized. A few movies I've watched. A craft project here and there. The Bible study I've been able to attend.

But sometimes I wake up and the day looks long before me. Or in the evenings I look back and think how slowly the hours went.

Even in contentment I think there can be longing. Praying for a change does not always indicate a heart of resentment or rebellion or ungratefulness. Sometimes, yes. But not always.

Sometimes, yes, a heart of contentment rests in the sovereignty of God, knowing that He will put all to rights one day.Sometimes contentment rejoices in Today yet prays for a "better half." Sometimes contentment clings to God in the pain and prays for God to do a work.

Sometimes.

Sometimes contentment gets buried. Sometimes instead of being immersed in giggles with toddlers and laughter with friends of nearly eight years and smile with frequent quests, eyes shift and wish for Tomorrow. Sometimes of being grateful for a family to serve, hands want to hide until the after-dinner dishes have disappeared. Sometimes instead of seeing everyone else get what they wanted, a heart wishes it would happen to it, too.

Because sometimes, life becomes all about me, instead of all about Him.

And sometimes I am reminded...rebuked...

God is my All. My life. My breath. My salvation. My love. My peace and joy and strength and...

When I see problems and interuptions and work and emptiness, God sees opportunities. His goal and my purpose is to become like Christ. Sometimes this truly is my greatest passion.

It's what I do with the longings and how I seek to satisfy them that draw the line between contentment and selfish, ungodly attitudes. We were all created to be creatures of longing. "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God." {Psalm 42:1}

Sometimes I long for bad things. Sometimes I long for good things with wrong motives or attention.

Sometimes I long for good things in a good way, and God seeks to fulfill these in His own way--mostly with Himself. Because He is truly what we all long for, anyway.

I may dream of the end of school. I may dream of a mission field somewhere. I may dream of a home of my own with a husband and a bunch of kids running around. None of those are bad dreams (except maybe the school one. As I'm sure you're aware, my motives regarding school are rarely pure), but I must constantly ask myself who--or what--is on the throne of my heart. Because if God is not on the throne, then the end of school won't matter. Spending a lifetime of ministry on a mission field won't matter. And yes, having a home filled with a husband and children won't matter. 

There will always be something else--a more exciting ministry, a warmer or colder mission field. A nicer house and a more involved husband or more children or just the same children only more well-behaved.

When God is on the throne however, instead of our dreams, we can dream safely and contentedly. We know that God will answer in His timing with His perfect ways.

Cultivating contentment now will reap contentment later, so that I can receive my diploma without a "good riddance" attitude, without looking back and wishing I'd handled it differently. The ministry will be fully God's without me wishing more or less. I will thrive in whatever climate God gives. I will rejoice in the family God gives me--because it was hand-picked by Him.

Basking in contentment now does not mean forsaking the dreams or killing the longing. But contentment knows where to take them...

And it's not just sometimes that I find myself satisfied.

::The Prohibited Thing::

A few weeks ago I was working on this post, and I was amazed at how much the cross and death kept coming up. I listened to a couple audio books in the car by A.W. Tozer, and both had chapters about taking up our crosses and dying to self. Evidently it wasn't just me who decided to do some cross-focusing...perhaps it was God's idea in the first place!

Easter is coming up. I didn't plan this series around Easter but it certainly fits. Easter, after all, happened because of the cross! Jesus died--but we serve a risen Savior because of Easter morning.

I actually planned this series because a week ago Monday I began classes again. Christmas break plus a half-semester of no classes has made for a nice 13-week break. Really nice. Watching movies, reading books (I haven't made an official count yet--but many, many books!), hanging out with friends, attending a Bible study with plenty of time to do the study/homework part, trying not to sleep in but not having to worry if I do...much of that went away last week.

For me, grad school is a dying to self. My time, my schedule, my priorities, my activities (and yes, my blog writing), all have to shift in order to hit the books. I never asked for grad school...but God obviously knew I needed a lot of sanctification and this happens to be a good stage for it.

"When my flesh

yearns for some

prohibited thing,

I must die."

{The Gospel Primer, 41}

Prohibited perhaps by conviction, perhaps because it's a sin. In my case,
*calling my time my own is prohibited
*being done with grad school is prohibited (not for always :)
*being undisciplined in eating or wasting time are prohibited

Sometimes it's hard to see the black-and-white in all of those but we must agree with what God says about them in order to die. Our attempt to die will be half-hearted at best unless we see it as God sees it.

No one actually has the right to call their time their own. God is our sovereign Lord who has the right and ability to change our plans whenever He desires...and His ways are always better than mine.

So every time I...
*have to say no to a fun weekend activity, I must die
*desire to spend just five more minutes on facebook or pinterest, I must die
*want to claim I have too much homework to stop and do those dishes, I must die

Death in any form is no fun. It's not easy. It's not pleasant. Vincent goes on to say that each of us must "embrace the cross" our own deaths. However God is calling me to die today, I must seize the opportunity.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

{Philippians 3:8-11}

Crucified with Christ

Death is not a pretty subject. It's one we tend to stay away from.

Death of self. Death to self.

Every Christian is called to it, but it is not a well-versed subject these days.
 

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?

{Luke 9:23-25}

 

I don't believe it is a secret to this audience that one of my favorite books is The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent.

Two sister sections that get me every time I read them are All Things Crucified, Parts 1 and 2.

The cross--Jesus' death on the cross--is the central focus of the Gospel story. Why should we expect anything different in our own life stories? Vincent points out from Galatians 2:20 that we, too, have been crucified--that is, our flesh with its worldly desires.

 

In one  of these sections, Vincent creates a vivid picture of the war that we must wage everyday. It is these powerful statement that I will, Lord willing, be writing about over the next few weeks.

"When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die."

But remember, on the other side of death is life and fruit:

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

{John 12:24}

 

 

 

::Embracing the Cross::

"The Gospel is not simply the story of 'Christ, and Him crucified'; it is also the story of my own crucifixion. {Galatians 2:20}

 

Crucifixion hurts. In fact, its heart-wrenching brutality can numb the senses. It is a gasping and bloody affair, and there is nothing nice, pretty, or easy about it. It is not merely death, but excruciating death.

 

Preaching [Christ's] story to myself each day puts me in a frame of mind to trust God and embrace the cross of my own dying also."

 

 

 

{The Gospel Primer, 39-41}

 

 

We Interrupt This Silence...

...to announce more silence. :)

I am in the middle of my 8-week school break and I'm loving it. Of course.

I've read nearly a dozen books; cleaned, decorated and organized the room I received after my brother got married over Christmas break; worked (and am working) on several art projects; am enjoying the accountability of a Bible-memorizing group of girls; started a new group Bible study; attempting to read through the ESV study Bible (all 2500+pages of it); baked an unearthly amount of baked goods, I who never bake; enjoyed a few walks with my kiddos on unseasonably nice days; saw both my plecostomuses (what's the plural of that??) die but hopefully fixed my tank problem; and Lord willing, starting to get back into a good routine--which starts with unqualified time with God. Our pastor made a comment a few weeks ago that burned into my memory: "It's not so much a matter of discpline as it is of passion." I am praying for increased passion!

And in the meantime, I'm taking a bloggy break, to keep enjoying to the utmost the aforementioned activities. :)

first addition to my new room!