How I've Proved Him Over and Over...

{This rambling is posted because I need the reminder, not so much because I think everybody else is interested and will really read to the end. But then again, I hope it's more God's story than my story anyway...

Dates reflect when I originally wrote this and I like the stair-steps effect so I'm not changing them to reflect today's numbers. :) }

 

76 days. 74 days. 72 days.

One represents how many days of 2015 have already passed. One represents how many days until I leave for Brazil. One represents how many days I'll be in Brazil. 

Honestly, 2014 was a hard year to let go of. Israel--personal victories--finding out I would graduate soon--seeing God so vividly at work in the various ministries of VBS, Good News Club, Junior Camp, and early Brazil fundraising.  

Israel included intense conviction as well as the incredible joy of just being there.  

Finally giving in to the struggle of wanting God-And, and being okay (and actually more than just okay) with just God Himself as my Friend, Treasure, and Joy. 

Through the tears and frustrations of VBS, God proved His sufficiency. Though Good News Club had a rocky beginning and has been anything but smooth along the way, God declares that His Word will go forth. God showed His willingness to "give good gifts" through many and varied answers to prayer throughout last year's Junior Camp. Though financially not always so successful, God worked through church-related fundraisers and began to teach us flexibility and the need for trust and faithfulness regardless of results. 

2014 definitely had its tears and uncertainties and hurts and frustrations. But through it all, God was there.  

Flying back from Israel, reading the Psalms of David

  

 

My usual optimistic self will look at difficult ministry situations and count down the hours if I have do--"we only have to survive 2 more hours!!" But the Friday of this VBS, I was done. I went back to church that morning because I knew it really wasn't an option not to. There were a few who knew what was going on and were praying, but God unquestionably showed His love through a fellow teacher who didn't know what was going on--it seriously was just a silly thing that she did for me, but it was what put my faltering heart back on course.  I remembered, This was do-able because it was really God's work, and I was just the instrument. 

Good News Club has been a roller coaster ride from the very beginning. From gathering the teaching team together to dealing with some...very interesting kids to just plain learning about ministry hands on, both how to do it, and definitely how not to do it. And when I wanted to question why God put me in charge of this club this year, somebody would email--a fellow teacher, a parent. I would watch the Gospel clearly explained to kindergarteners and first graders and marvel that even those so young could be offered salvation--and possibly watch souls being written in the Book of Life. That day when that thought hit me will be forever engrained in my memory. Why would God choose me to be a part of this?? 

And, oh, Junior Camp. Junior Camp is the Best Week of the Year. I went into last year with the probability that it was my last year--I'll be in Brazil for the Best Week of the Year 2015 and who knows what life holds after that. When I first thought of that, I was saddened, but I can't begin to describe the feeling that overwhelmed me when I stepped on that campsite Sunday night of camp week. The beginning of the end. I didn't want to let go. I had this strange balance of going all out like never before, and yet holding back a little, as if I could hold back the goodbyes that inevitably would come. I was physically and emotionally spent by Wednesday, and God had given me enthusiastic and energetic co-counselors who gave what I did not have to give as well as being my Moses-arm-lifters when I needed it! And so many little answers to prayers all throughout the week. And just love upon love poured out from those all around me.  

As I continue to work on fundraising for Brazil, the end amount with church fundraising ended up being more than I expected, both because of what it seemed like we were making and because our leaders had estimated a much smaller amount per person (although, granted, we originally had a much bigger group).  

I'm amazed at the details God has worked out for me to combine my grad school internship with my church young adult group missions trip. I'm amazed at the little details that are falling into place for my time there. I'm amazed by the people who have sent financial support after I recently sent out support letters. Amazed. Each generous check is a confirmation to me that they see God doing something through me in Brazil this summer--and I need to be reminded of that. Just as I look back at VBS and remember that God was there at my lowest of lows--and that God has been faithful, not just to me personally, but to declare His Word at Good News Club--and that God gave strength when I literally had none to give at Junior Camp--and that He has been providing what I need, even before I knew I needed it, for Brazil.

 

I have so much hesitancy and uncertainly about spending a summer in Brazil. I don't know the people. I don't know the language. I'm going to be hopping around 2 weeks here, 2 weeks there, 2 weeks there, and 4 weeks back again where I started (as it stands right now…"flexibility is key!" so who knows what it will actually be). I love adventure and I love new places and I'm excited to fly again and I can't wait to see Brazilian palm trees and beaches. But a whole summer, and 8 weeks of the 10 without a missions team, essentially on my own...This is unchartered territory that won't be over "in just a few days." We're talking about a whole summer of my life. 

So I remind myself that that is where God will be. He expects me to follow Him--and I plan to. But that doesn't mean it will be smooth sailing until we get there. That is why I am so grateful for 2014 as a whole and the support money and prayers of the past few weeks. Anytime I start to second guess, I can confidently speak truth to my heart: God is going with me to Brazil. He's going before, and I can trustingly follow. I don't know the half of what this summer holds...but I love the truth of the old cliché: I know Who holds this summer. I know Him and have proved Him so much especially recently. I can trust this God who loves me and cares for me so much!

My Prayer Card :)

 

Reflection

A Look Behind :: 2014 ::

Thinking back on this last year, two major things come to mind—the depth of my own sin, and the greatness of God’s goodness in His blessings to His children. And I’m amazed that those two things can be in the same sentence!

The Biblical counseling conference in Lafayette, IN, in February was an awesome time of hanging out with people from my church I don’t normally hang out with as well as spending hours upon hours per day in God’s Word. Of course, you can’t really be in God’s Word 8 hours a day for a whole week and not come home utterly rebuked (that sin problem) and encouraged (the blessing)!

I finished out a grad class in May and long-story-short, was basically told that I now have enough credits to graduate and so all I needed to do was my internship. However, another long-story-short, I actually will be working on a research paper this spring semester to complete my grad school requirements, and I will do my own unofficial internship in Brazil next summer. These details have been in process for most of 2014 and although it’s not really coming out the way I’d planned, I’m glad to have a plan in place. J

I did indeed leave for Israel on June 7^th. Dream of a lifetime, people, believe me. It did not disappoint, and in fact, it far exceeded my expectations (expectations I had built for nearly 20 years, if you must know J). Again—as I sat in front of the symbol of what was one of Israel’s greatest sins and rebellion against God (the altar built by Jeroboam as the kingdom split), I was struck with the realization that this was me. The sin, the idols, the rebellion that was in my heart was just as horrendous as the sin Israel committed. But at the same time I despaired in my sin, the hope of Jesus Christ shone brightly. I am grateful for the cleansing He gives! How much of a blessing Israel was every single day, as we sat on the Mount of Beatitudes, as we sailed on the Sea of Galilee, as we walked the streets of Jerusalem over and over. I was overwhelmed as I stood in Caiaphas’ house, knowing Jesus was here 2000 years ago, suffering deep humility for my sin. I marveled as I stood looking at what could possibly be the Place of the Skull—where Jesus was crucified. I marveled as I looked into an empty tomb and knew that Jesus is alive!

The contrast of my sin to God’s blessings have continued in the months since…as I taught the 5 year olds in VBS, as I have coordinated the Good News Club (after school Bible program at a local elementary school) I began helping with last semester, as I have said more goodbyes than I ever dreamed I would this year, as I have met new friends and built up friendships, as I said goodbye to two dearly loved nanny children and said hello to six (!) new ones, as I have spent hours fundraising for my combined “internship”/church missions trip to Brazil, and as I spent hours in Journey to Judea, my church’s Christmas outreach.

Man is sinful—in ourselves, we are hopeless and lost. But praise God that although He is the Almighty, Holy, Righteous One, He humbled Himself and left the glories of heaven to become our Redeemer. Because of His shed blood on the cross, we have forgiveness! Because of the empty tomb, we have hope! How precious is this salvation…and what do I do with it every day? Am I grateful? Is Jesus my ultimate treasure? Does it affect all my decisions and thoughts and actions? Does it affect yours?

My heart still hurts in many areas. I still have years-old prayer requests that I’m praying. But I am learning to walk through life, radiant with joy that Jesus walks beside me and is working each detail of life for His glory and my good. And how can those two things live together in the same sentence? Praise God that they do!

 

 

A Look Ahead :: 2015 ::

Spring: Research paper writing…fun, fun! Another semester of Good News Club, Bible studies, children’s ministries.

Summer: Brazil! Plans are still in the works, but at this point I plan to spend time with three different families in the north of Brazil, ending with the family supported by my church (and where the missions trip will be). Right now it looks like I will be there all of June and July through August 11.

Fall/Winter: what I have dubbed “the great void.” After 10 years of post-secondary education is finished, and two once-in-a-lifetime trips accomplished (Israel and Brazil), I’m not sure what’s next. But as I said last year (and was right), things always have a way of coming up. J

A phrase that kept coming to mind this past year was “and underneath are the Everlasting Arms” from Deuteronomy 33:27. As I have learned to make God my Dwelling Place, He has indeed revealed that “underneath are the Everlasting Arms.”  I am incredibly grateful and look forward to 2015 in His care!

By the grace of God,
Laura

 

1. Grateful I get to do life with these girls. I’ve known them since they were 1 and can’t believe they just turned 4! 2, Performing at our Dinner Theatre fundraiser just a few weeks ago! 3, Summer selfie! 4. My co-counselors at jr. camp this year—I have always been so blessed! 5. Being a nanny is never dull J 6. Helping guide tours at our own Journey to Judea! 7. My little guy Henry before he moved 8. My youngest charge right now, Baby Brystol 9. Hiking in En Gedi (Dead Sea in the background) 10. I helped two different families paint inside their houses this summer 11. Teaching at Good News Club 12. Zoo with Henry and Annabelle! 13. My little Annabelle playing in her empty house before they moved 14. Oh yes, my broken toe…that was a fun 6 weeks, haha 15. First look at Jerusalem! 16. My friend Alison took a break from teaching in China! 17. I get entertained by many “shows” these days J 18. With a friend at a wedding 19. With Stephanie—exploring our first ruins in Israel! 20. Hello to Twin Set #2! 21. VBS 5-year-olds class 22. In front of a model of Jerusalem 23. In front of a stone similar to the one rolled in front of Jesus’ tomb 24. At the place that is possibly Calvary

 

Anticipation

My church has a church-wide Christmas outreach program every Christmas. We're in our fourth year, and it is greatly looked forward to by everyone! It is outside, stretching across our property as we tell in full costume the story of the Gospel, from Moses to the empty tomb. My part in past years have been nameless faces in the crowd of Bethlehem--nameless to the hundreds of visitors waling through the tours, but it's a fun job nevertheless. We make up our stories and work on our looms or sell our cloth...and roast potatoes in the fire and eat our granola bars in between groups who come through. :) I always look forward to it, even this year, remembering last year's single digit temperatures and occasional snow all four nights we were there last December. 

 

Garden of Gethesemene

 

I remember sitting next to the fire last year, trying to get warm in between the sparse groups, and telling myself of  our director's words: "Each part is important." I knew that each part of the story, whether Moses or Abraham or Isaiah or Mary and Joseph or the crowd in Bethlehem, is important. Each person plays a part in the grand scheme of God's story, in the real life of it back then, or the role play we do each year. In the literal freezing cold, it was hard to tell myself that, though. 

And then this year, I changed roles. Instead of playing a part on the trail, I helped guide tours through the story. Over the course of four nights, I went through 14 times. Fourteen times I listened to Moses explain the creation and fall of man. Fourteen times I watched Abraham willing to sacrifice his son Isaac. Fourteen times I listened to Isaiah prophesy that the Light was coming (one of my favorite parts!). Fourteen times Joseph knocked at the Inn and then turned to Mary: "Don't worry, Mary. God will provide--He always does." Fourteen times the angel announced Jesus' birth to the shepherds. Fourteen times I stood in front of a cross and heard proclaimed "it is finished!" And fourteen times I stood in front of an empty tomb as the cry rang out: "Jesus is alive!"  

 

sign on the door of the present-day tomb in Israel

 

It never got old. When I started out as a guide assistant on Thursday night, I had thought that by Sunday, the tours would seem long. My guide and I were the last ones out on Sunday, and right before the cross, I stopped to think, "Wow--we're almost done. It feels like we just started!" It never got old--in fact, it only got more exciting each night, each tour we took.  

 

in En Gedi, looking toward the Dead Sea

 

After Abraham, and before King David, and before Isaiah, we have what we dub the "pop-up kids"--children who run along the trail as the group is coming and call out, "He is coming!" There's another one right before the stable who announces softly, "He is here! The Messiah is here!" 

And then--even that fourteenth tour late on Sunday night--I eagerly awaited the last "pop-up kid."

 

"He is coming again!" he announced. "He is coming again!" 

You see, the story's not really over yet. 

The whole Old Testament holds the anticipation of the Jewish people awaiting their Messiah. He came mostly unnoticed, lived a sinless life, and was killed at the hands of the jealous religious leaders. He arose three days later, and the book of Acts tells the story of thousands who recognized that Jesus is the Messiah. 

Jesus is my Savior, too--and I hope He is yours, also. But the anticipation of His coming still lingers--His second coming.  

Fourteen times on the trail in four days, and I never lost that anticipation. I found new purpose in the roles of past years--that crowd in Bethlehem holds that anticipation--and even as I know them as my friends I say hi to every Sunday, there's almost this thought that "I hope they understand the Messiah's been born!" :) The crowd carries anticipation. It helps build the anticipation that each tour has as it goes through, just as each station does from Moses on through the end.  

 

Gordon's Calvary,
one of the possibilities of the actual site

 

In "the fullness of time," Jesus came. But our story is that we still anticipate an event in the future. Our salvation has come, but it is not fully realized. Evil still exists, pain still happens, tears still fall. Just as God promised to send the Messiah, He promises to conquer evil and pain and tears once for all--and we are still waiting for the fulfillment of that promise. His promise holds true...and may God increase our anticipation of that future fulfillment! 

Merry Christmas--and even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus!

 

 

 

Moments, part 4

Some nanny moments are funny.

~First day back with the twins after getting back from Israel:
R: did you see Jesus?
Me: Well, Jesus is in heaven. I just saw where He lived when He was on earth J

~Afternoon with a 2-year old:
H: (picking up his toy phone)—Daddy at work. Call Daddy. Hi! [Lots of gibberish.] Still here with Laura. Ok. Bye.

 

~After telling the twins that people in Japan eat bugs for a snack the week before, we were walking home right before snack time...

Me: did you girls decide what we should have for snack?

R: um...I think we should have...grasshoppers!

~Name variations for Laura…
“Laurla!”
“Miss Yaurya”
“Waurwa” and the shortened version, “Wa.”

 

"doing my hair"

Some are precious.

~A: I want to play with you!

~A: Can we do it tomorrow?
Me: I actually won’t be here tomorrow. Grammy will be here.
A: Oh. I’ll miss you!

 

 

 

Some are convicting.

The time when one of the twins was not taking turns very well, and I got a little annoyed. “A, you need to take turns. Please be patient.” Just a little annoyed—barely. But she caught it. And although she was sad, it took me awhile to admit that I should apologize for it. But finally…“I’m sorry I wasn’t being patient as I was asking you to be patient.” Admitting that I shouldn’t have reacted that way, as slight as it was, was hard. Being a little annoyed is a sin? Yes.

 

 

 

Some are hard.

That moment as I rocked Baby Girl to sleep for the last time, when I started to lay her down in her crib and hesitated, and finally with tears I at last let go and walked out of the room. 

The moment when the confused and haunting eyes of 2 1/2 year old Big Brother looked at me and said, "I want to see you tomorrow." In that moment, there was no answer, as I knew that "tomorrow" would find him in a car all day moving out of state.

Letting go. Job searching. The last four months have been a journey that I never thought I’d be taking (and knew for less than 2 weeks before it actually happened!). I miss being “Wa.” I miss the wagon rides. I miss a lot of things. I miss them. 

 

playing at the park that last night...

 

Some are surprising.

Six new nanny children this fall—and all of them fell in love with me immediately. I can’t usually be accused of being a people magnet! (Oh, except daughter #2 in family #1 who apparently doesn’t take to many people…and I have since figured out to be in her good graces. I know how to bribe when certain occasions call for it. J) The opportunity to cuddle babies. Good times with little friends. Opportunities to share Gospel truths with little people. 

 

those pigtails!! :)

 

In all moments are the Everlasting Arms. They never leave me, and always hold me up. They give grace for the letting go, for the patience, in the conviction and in the laughter. 

In the midst of this crazy fall schedule, I have been incredibly grateful for the Friend who never leaves me, the Savior who kindly convicts, the Father who gives laughter. 

I am grateful I get to nanny—children are such a blessing. Humbling, sometimes…but even that is a blessing in the long run. J I have 8 blessings I see every week, not to mention a handful of others that occasionally pop up. Not exactly the simple nanny life of before, but nevertheless still proof of the Everlasting Arms.

 

Moments, part 3

That moment when I'm sitting in a missions trip meeting and realize that I'm going to help execute a fundraiser in one week.

That moment when I realized that I just returned from a life-long dream trip to Israel and now I'm baking cookies for my Brazil trip fundraiser.

That is a moment of wonder, of feeling so blessed that I felt  like I might explode. A moment when I stood in awe of God for His care for a little girl's dream of Israel, and a high school girl's dream of Brazil (and a college girl's desire to be done with grad school!!).

A moment when I'm thankful that, for all the time God allowed me to struggle in the dark, He gave clear, tangible proof of His goodness and compassion and faithfulness--and undeniable love for His children. How kind is my Heavenly Father!

 

 

Some days are long. Many days are far from easy. And sometimes I have to search for the evidence of His work around me. But honestly...when did God ever call us to live passive lives? We are called to seek after wisdom (Proverbs 2:1-5, Proverbs 4:7). Jesus commands us to seek first His kingdom (Matthew 6:33). We are to be seeking after God (Hebrews 11:6, and how many times were the Israelites reminded to seek God?). Peter reminds us to seek peace (1 Peter 3:11). That's not the end of the list--but get the idea? Thanks to the Fall, life is not a walk in the park. One day, we will regain what Adam and Eve lost in the garden--the fellowship of literally walking with God.

"Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. … Behold, I am making all things new" (Revelation 21:3, 5). This is my hope. Praise God the dark days are not forever (no matter what our feelings tell us at times!), and we don't even have to live for those "might explode" kind of awesome moments. Those moments are great. But honestly, a lot of tough moments have happened since that missions trips meeting. Israel was a long time ago, it seems like.

Moments come and moments go. But my God is sure and steadfast, and never changes. I have always loved James 5:13, because it reminds me that God walks beside me no matter what.

"Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise."

We don't walk through life alone, and my heart clings to that. And one day, that will be fully realized in the physical presence of God--and my heart really clings to that!

So yes, I'm grateful that in a quick turn of events, the only thing left to have grad school accomplished is my internship next summer. I'm grateful that it is working out to coincide with my church young adult group missions trip to the same place (I'll just be there longer). I'm grateful Israel happened.

And I'm grateful of the reminders that while God was answering these "smaller" requests, He is still working on the "bigger" requests in my life that are still unanswered.

Seek the Giver more than the gifts. He does indeed give incredible gifts...but His greatest gift is Himself. Follow hard after Him.

 

p.s. Please know that I'm preaching as much to myself than anyone else, if not more so! :)

Moments...part 2

I remember the moment my grad school emailed me and said I have enough credits to graduate, and even though they're not the right credits (the specific classes I had left), the school will count them toward graduation. 

It was a moment when I realized I was done with lecture classes. The moment when I realized the only thing left was my overseas internship! 

It was a moment of looking back at the struggle of the past three years--and feeling oh-so-convicted yet held in a loving embrace. It was a moment when my cry of "how long, O Lord" turned to "woe is me, for I have unclean lips." Unclean heart, unclean thoughts, unclean motives, unclean everything.  

And yet...I stand totally cleansed. Sanctified, and yet still being sanctified. Oh, the tension of a being a sinner-saved-by-grace, awaiting the hope of heaven, and yet pursuing my Savior while in this body of flesh. 

 

 

I can still remember the shock of receiving that email back in May. I had bemoaned the fact that there were no classes for me to take again this fall, and decided to email them and ask if they had any sort of idea when I might graduate. Knowing would help...even if it still was going to be a couple years down the road. Who stands at the end of three years of grad school, still not having a clue as to when they'll graduate?? 

I didn't expect sympathy. Or compassion. Or "well, hey, if we just look at the number of credits, you're basically done. So we'll count you basically done." I went from not even a flicker of light at the end of the tunnel to practically being blinded by the light--all in one quick email. 

When God says "enough is enough"...it is over. Done with. 

My awe grew with every reading of that email. Believe me, I didn't read it just once and fully understand what he told me. It was too good to be true...and yet it was. It is.  

In this moment, I stand thankful for God's grace and mercy. For His timing. For His care and compassion for His children. 

I also am attempting to save for and plan this internship. Neither being an easy task at this point...but God has so wondrously proven His faithfulness, has He not? I can expect no less for the future! 

"Incline Your ear, O Lord, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.

Be gracious to me, O Lord, for to You do I cry all the time.

Gladden the soul of Your servant,

For to You, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.

Give ear, O Lord, to my prayer;

Listen to my plea for grace.

I give thanks to You, O Lord my God,

With my whole heart,

And I will glorify Your name forever.

For great is Your steadfast love toward me…"

~Psalm 86~

Moments

Sometimes life changes in the blink of an eye, in a single moment. My last blog post was about Israel--and that seems a lifetime ago. Many good things and some not-so-fun things have happened since that trip.   

Several moments come to mind that changed so many things about this fall, this year. Work, school, ministry. And I am oh-so grateful that my God holds every single moment of my existence in His wise, loving hands. 

I remember a moment when I bow the knee of my heart to a holy God in amazement, humility, and even horror as I realize the depth of my sin...and the great God who bore the penalty of that sin. 

 

 

There is a moment when words can't even begin to express, but I am so grateful… 

*that He is faithful, even when I am not

*that He is loving, even when I am unlovable

*that He is compassionate, even when I am rebellious

*that He is my Friend, even when I'd rather have a different friend

*that He is my security, regardless of who else comes and goes

*that He is sovereign, even when things around me are constantly changing. 

In that moment, I realize Jesus is enough--and yet also there is a realization that this is not a "one size fits all" moment, but one that must be repeated over and over. 

Are there many days when I demand better situations, whether it be about work or school or relationships or ministry opportunities? 

Of course, yes. 

But in those moments I must preach myself the Truth: Jesus is enough. He is more than enough. He fulfills and completes. I must fix my gaze on what is "unseen," knowing that what is seen is transitory. What I have right now is not forever; I have the certain hope of that which is to come...that which is eternal and unchanging. I am spending eternity in heaven with Jesus!