::Satisfied::

:This was originally written several months ago, then I hesitated publishing it. I scheduled it for a "far-off" date with the intent to decide later. Having forgotten to decide, I guess God decided for me. :) So no, I'm not still on break. In fact, I have 9 days, with various minor assignments, 2 papers, and one final, left. And Lord willing, I'll be back into the blogging scene more, but until then, here is a snippet of my life:

One day, I nanny. The next day, restaurant work. The next three days are full of nannying, then Saturday with who-knows-what, and Sunday with church activities. I'm loving this life of variance; I love what I do everyday.  I love the 8-but-now-4 1/2 week break I'm getting from papers and deadlines.

I've loved the 10 plus a few other skimmed books I've read. The room I decorated and organized. A few movies I've watched. A craft project here and there. The Bible study I've been able to attend.

But sometimes I wake up and the day looks long before me. Or in the evenings I look back and think how slowly the hours went.

Even in contentment I think there can be longing. Praying for a change does not always indicate a heart of resentment or rebellion or ungratefulness. Sometimes, yes. But not always.

Sometimes, yes, a heart of contentment rests in the sovereignty of God, knowing that He will put all to rights one day.Sometimes contentment rejoices in Today yet prays for a "better half." Sometimes contentment clings to God in the pain and prays for God to do a work.

Sometimes.

Sometimes contentment gets buried. Sometimes instead of being immersed in giggles with toddlers and laughter with friends of nearly eight years and smile with frequent quests, eyes shift and wish for Tomorrow. Sometimes of being grateful for a family to serve, hands want to hide until the after-dinner dishes have disappeared. Sometimes instead of seeing everyone else get what they wanted, a heart wishes it would happen to it, too.

Because sometimes, life becomes all about me, instead of all about Him.

And sometimes I am reminded...rebuked...

God is my All. My life. My breath. My salvation. My love. My peace and joy and strength and...

When I see problems and interuptions and work and emptiness, God sees opportunities. His goal and my purpose is to become like Christ. Sometimes this truly is my greatest passion.

It's what I do with the longings and how I seek to satisfy them that draw the line between contentment and selfish, ungodly attitudes. We were all created to be creatures of longing. "As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God." {Psalm 42:1}

Sometimes I long for bad things. Sometimes I long for good things with wrong motives or attention.

Sometimes I long for good things in a good way, and God seeks to fulfill these in His own way--mostly with Himself. Because He is truly what we all long for, anyway.

I may dream of the end of school. I may dream of a mission field somewhere. I may dream of a home of my own with a husband and a bunch of kids running around. None of those are bad dreams (except maybe the school one. As I'm sure you're aware, my motives regarding school are rarely pure), but I must constantly ask myself who--or what--is on the throne of my heart. Because if God is not on the throne, then the end of school won't matter. Spending a lifetime of ministry on a mission field won't matter. And yes, having a home filled with a husband and children won't matter. 

There will always be something else--a more exciting ministry, a warmer or colder mission field. A nicer house and a more involved husband or more children or just the same children only more well-behaved.

When God is on the throne however, instead of our dreams, we can dream safely and contentedly. We know that God will answer in His timing with His perfect ways.

Cultivating contentment now will reap contentment later, so that I can receive my diploma without a "good riddance" attitude, without looking back and wishing I'd handled it differently. The ministry will be fully God's without me wishing more or less. I will thrive in whatever climate God gives. I will rejoice in the family God gives me--because it was hand-picked by Him.

Basking in contentment now does not mean forsaking the dreams or killing the longing. But contentment knows where to take them...

And it's not just sometimes that I find myself satisfied.

::The Prohibited Thing::

A few weeks ago I was working on this post, and I was amazed at how much the cross and death kept coming up. I listened to a couple audio books in the car by A.W. Tozer, and both had chapters about taking up our crosses and dying to self. Evidently it wasn't just me who decided to do some cross-focusing...perhaps it was God's idea in the first place!

Easter is coming up. I didn't plan this series around Easter but it certainly fits. Easter, after all, happened because of the cross! Jesus died--but we serve a risen Savior because of Easter morning.

I actually planned this series because a week ago Monday I began classes again. Christmas break plus a half-semester of no classes has made for a nice 13-week break. Really nice. Watching movies, reading books (I haven't made an official count yet--but many, many books!), hanging out with friends, attending a Bible study with plenty of time to do the study/homework part, trying not to sleep in but not having to worry if I do...much of that went away last week.

For me, grad school is a dying to self. My time, my schedule, my priorities, my activities (and yes, my blog writing), all have to shift in order to hit the books. I never asked for grad school...but God obviously knew I needed a lot of sanctification and this happens to be a good stage for it.

"When my flesh

yearns for some

prohibited thing,

I must die."

{The Gospel Primer, 41}

Prohibited perhaps by conviction, perhaps because it's a sin. In my case,
*calling my time my own is prohibited
*being done with grad school is prohibited (not for always :)
*being undisciplined in eating or wasting time are prohibited

Sometimes it's hard to see the black-and-white in all of those but we must agree with what God says about them in order to die. Our attempt to die will be half-hearted at best unless we see it as God sees it.

No one actually has the right to call their time their own. God is our sovereign Lord who has the right and ability to change our plans whenever He desires...and His ways are always better than mine.

So every time I...
*have to say no to a fun weekend activity, I must die
*desire to spend just five more minutes on facebook or pinterest, I must die
*want to claim I have too much homework to stop and do those dishes, I must die

Death in any form is no fun. It's not easy. It's not pleasant. Vincent goes on to say that each of us must "embrace the cross" our own deaths. However God is calling me to die today, I must seize the opportunity.

"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead."

{Philippians 3:8-11}

Crucified with Christ

Death is not a pretty subject. It's one we tend to stay away from.

Death of self. Death to self.

Every Christian is called to it, but it is not a well-versed subject these days.
 

And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?

{Luke 9:23-25}

 

I don't believe it is a secret to this audience that one of my favorite books is The Gospel Primer by Milton Vincent.

Two sister sections that get me every time I read them are All Things Crucified, Parts 1 and 2.

The cross--Jesus' death on the cross--is the central focus of the Gospel story. Why should we expect anything different in our own life stories? Vincent points out from Galatians 2:20 that we, too, have been crucified--that is, our flesh with its worldly desires.

 

In one  of these sections, Vincent creates a vivid picture of the war that we must wage everyday. It is these powerful statement that I will, Lord willing, be writing about over the next few weeks.

"When my flesh yearns for some prohibited thing, I must die."

But remember, on the other side of death is life and fruit:

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

{John 12:24}

 

 

 

::Embracing the Cross::

"The Gospel is not simply the story of 'Christ, and Him crucified'; it is also the story of my own crucifixion. {Galatians 2:20}

 

Crucifixion hurts. In fact, its heart-wrenching brutality can numb the senses. It is a gasping and bloody affair, and there is nothing nice, pretty, or easy about it. It is not merely death, but excruciating death.

 

Preaching [Christ's] story to myself each day puts me in a frame of mind to trust God and embrace the cross of my own dying also."

 

 

 

{The Gospel Primer, 39-41}

 

 

We Interrupt This Silence...

...to announce more silence. :)

I am in the middle of my 8-week school break and I'm loving it. Of course.

I've read nearly a dozen books; cleaned, decorated and organized the room I received after my brother got married over Christmas break; worked (and am working) on several art projects; am enjoying the accountability of a Bible-memorizing group of girls; started a new group Bible study; attempting to read through the ESV study Bible (all 2500+pages of it); baked an unearthly amount of baked goods, I who never bake; enjoyed a few walks with my kiddos on unseasonably nice days; saw both my plecostomuses (what's the plural of that??) die but hopefully fixed my tank problem; and Lord willing, starting to get back into a good routine--which starts with unqualified time with God. Our pastor made a comment a few weeks ago that burned into my memory: "It's not so much a matter of discpline as it is of passion." I am praying for increased passion!

And in the meantime, I'm taking a bloggy break, to keep enjoying to the utmost the aforementioned activities. :)

first addition to my new room!

Responding to Pain

On this side of heaven, our vision will be dim. We do not have a blind faith—but only because our faith is in a sovereign, omnipotent God, not because we can see every step in front of us for miles (that wouldn’t actually be faith, after all). Sometimes our steps are confident, sometimes slow and painful. But whichever, God always goes before, protects from behind, strengthens from below, lifts from above. We are surrounded. We may not always feel His presence, but we can always know it is there, because that is a promise. “He has said, ’I will never leave you nor forsake you.’  So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?’” {Hebrews 13:5-6}

Life “lived by faith” {Galatians 2:20} is rarely easy. Maybe not so fun at times. But in the center can be found a haven of sweet peace and joy.

I’ve had life shatter before my eyes…a time or two. I’ve allowed some of those times to fling me at my Savior’s feet and cry out desperately for Him. Other times I’ve stubbornly clung to the idea that “I can do it myself.” In all those times, I experienced pain. In a few of those times, in the midst of the pain, I’ve experienced a precious Presence, a comforting peace, a joy beyond comprehension.

The heart of God is that one day pain and evil and all that goes with them will be dissolved. One day Jesus will wipe the tears from my eyes, and O what an experience that will be! But for now, God has a plan for the pain.

God is on a mission to draw people to Himself. He woos and waits… In His sovereignty that we can’t fully understand, He is in control of the outcome of each soul. Not everyone will come, but many will respond. And God doesn’t stop pursuing people once they’ve been saved. God pursues first for salvation and then for sanctification.

God is at work all around me, all around you…in me, and I pray in you as well. Sometimes that work involves pain. “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant” {Hebrews 12:11}. But there’s more to life than meets the eye, for the writer of Hebrews continues, “but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.”

Will Jesus find me faithful when He returns? Will He find you faithful? Are you, and am I, willing to be “trained” by the painful circumstances of life?

 

 

Sometimes God asks very difficult things.

Waiting.

    A “no.”

        To love where love is not returned.

            To turn the other cheek.

To take the next step with my eyes fixed on the One who goes before me, having no earthly clue what I am doing.

God is working, and as one song we sing occasionally says, “though there’s pain in the offering,” I want to be where He wants me to be, to be a part of His work. I want to be faithful. I want to live by faith…

“ Therefore, since we are surrounded

by so great a cloud of witnesses,

let us also lay aside every weight,

and sin which clings so closely,

and let us run with endurance

the race that is set before us,  

looking to Jesus,

the founder and perfecter of our faith,

who for the joy that was set

before him endured the cross,

despising the shame, and is seated

at the right hand of the throne of God.

Consider him who endured from sinners

such hostility against himself,

 so that you may not grow

weary or fainthearted.”

{Hebrews 12:1-3}

The Simple Joys

 

 

 

::Spying on the neighbors :) ::

 

 

::Walking around

one-sock-on-one-sock-off, of course::

 

::My girls and my little boy

love to read. So do I!::

 

 

::Going for a walk with Baby Doll::

 

 

Four days a week I am reminded

of how blessed I am.

I am blessed everyday, but I love how children

are constant reminders of that fact.

 

Giggles. Wonder. Babble. New words. Cuddles.

Even cranky cries and time-outs are reminders

of what an awesome God we have, and how

He daily interacts with our lives.

 

He is not a God far off, and He daily delights

to give His children good things!